r ü c k s i c h t s v o l l
Monday, December 18, 2017 @ 5:19 AM
The highlight of today must be the fact that I was baptised, with my boyfriend's mum and sister watching me and a few other church people. Shaking from head to toe, with every step I took, asking myself was I ready for this. Or rather, would I be ready for the upcoming battle to fight, as I already have my own battle with myself.

Not to be rude, I am a hundred percent grateful for today, that I finally get baptised and found my long searched God. But, something inside me somehow felt lonely and wrong. I promised myself to be as cheerful and as happy as I can after I came out of the water, I did for a few hours before my inner demon just suddenly bursts out of nowhere. And I need to pour it all out before it eats me again and again.

It is hard for me to translate the thoughts in my head into words, which is why I'd rather write than speak so that I can take my time to make sure the thing that I say, or write, is really what it is in my head. But it frustates me that because I am taking too long to think of every words I am about to say, they just assume that I am a liar. It frustates me because I was a liar and I really try my best to break the chain. It frustates me because I just blabbered random things that were lies when I got nervous and then feel guilty afterwards because I knew it wasn't true. It frustates me because all those things makes me even more analyzing the words that are about to come out of my mouth. And the more I analyze it, the longer it takes, the more I seem like a liar.

It is easy for me to feel lonely, just because I feel like no one likes me. I always feel like I have something about me that drawns people away, but I still don't know what it is and it drives me mad. It wasn't so much like this the beginning of college. I was confident in myself, all bubbly and smiling would be the sum of my day. But these past few months, I've been running out of energy, running out of confidence, running out of willingness to take part in any social situations. I just spend my day on my bed, either watching something or sleeping. I feel like I lost something inside me, but tha scary part is that I don't know how to get it back as I don't what I lost.

I feel like people don't like me probably because I am so quiet. I have no enthusiasm in life. Have neither passion or something I cling on to. But I can't really fake it too, as I found that whenever I faked it I seemed not genuine. So I just let it be, and therefore receive more judgement.

I read my previous posts and this churning feeling in my stomach boils up. I do lost pieaces of myself and I don't know where to search. I lost my visions of the future, lost my dreams, lost my passion for the human kind. I don't even remember I had those things in my mind. I don't remember being a girl with big dreams and will. All that is left within me are tangled strings of emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and fear. And I'm scared and alone.
Friday, April 28, 2017 @ 12:15 AM
I have no idea where to begin, but I do really want to share some of my burdens I can never share with the loved ones as they are as bad as they are. People always perceived me as the 'kind' girl, the 'shy' girl, mostly sitting quitely in class at recess and don't talk much to acquaintances. I remember some of my middle school years, not that clear but I'd dare to say, I was the kind girl no one 'could' hate although some people who perceived my shyness as stuck up did hate me secretly.

But high school was different, I became a more confident person and started to socialize as I more and more realized how imporant to build connection with other people. I have to admit that I love being confident with myself as I no longer need to hide in my shell, trying hard not to hurt other people's feeling because the least thing I wanted was haters.

Gaining this confident was new and fun to me, but in return I 'lost' control of myself. I did horrible mistakes I couldn't revert as hard as I tried to. They are still with me today and to my grave. I am terribly ashamed of some things I did back then. It is now months and months after but I still find myself can't move on from my past mistakes.

I can only try to forgive myself as there are only a few months left before my new life begin in an entirely different city. Some people might say that I am a coward for moving to another city, but it's terribly true that I feel my life and my pride in this city has come to an end, it's not that bad as it sounds but to me it is.

Honestly, this part of moving out is just a small replica of my big movement before I move out to a country I recently known is a good candidate for me to start a new life there. I foremost can't wait for that big of movement and burried all my terrible past behind. I am planning to regain all of my sense and sensibility in the new town as well as in the new country.
Friday, January 27, 2017 @ 10:54 PM
Some people find their passion at 5, some people find who they really are at 17. But at 17, I'm still searching for myself. I thought I wanted to be a doctor, to help people in need, and I thought I was good at trying to tell myself I wanted to be a doctor. I'm not and I don't want to. The more I know how hard it is to be a doctor and the little-to-no sleep they get, the consequences it takes to become one, I don't think I want that. I want to help people, seeing them smiling at you after what you've done to them really warms your heart, but I just suddenly knew to be a doctor wasn't my passion. It turns out I am good at planning money, I just realised it this past few months, as I was planning my money. I came from a small family with limited source income but I want to travel the world, study abroad, living outside of my little world now. And I guess that makes me sort of good at planning money and I love it. Turns out accountant is not as bad as I thought and it probably
suits me, we'll see that later. Thing is, I really want to have so much time with my future kids. I want to see them grow, I want to see the boys on a robotic league, send my girls to some ballerina contest, I want to grow with them. And I know I wouldn't have that much time if I become a doctor. At least, I thought accountant has more free time. I want to bake cake and cookies on my free time, cook breakfast and dinner for my family. I want to be a great mother, that's another passion of mine.

But right now, I just want to be alone. I want to learn more about me, stuff I never realised about me before. Like, today I just found out that I really want my future boys to build an awesome robot, I want them to be so good at it and have a special room for it. It just striked to me as I watched my little cousins learn to build one with my uncle.

I know the future is still far away for me to have my own family, and I have to admit that I'm scared to know who is my future husband. How many kids we will have or do we live in Germany or Australia or any other countries that I never think about. I want to be a mistery and let life figure that out for me, but sometimes I want to cheat and look just a little bit. If that's possible.

If you know the show how i met your mother, I'd be a mix of Lily and Robin. I want to travel the world, drive down the autobahn in my sexy car, alone at midnight enjoying the view of the sky, rent a small villa up on the mountain and see the world under me. But I also want to have a family, find my true love and have the time of my life with him every bits of our life. I want to be a part of someone else's life and actually be the one they think about everytime they see the night sky and wish I was there with them or every people they meet they wish they're with me instead. And I'll be on the autobahn, driving past the speed limit because there is no speed limit, on my way to France. Kidding. But, yeah, I am a hopeless romantic. The girl who will camp in her sleeping bag, on the corner of France street.

Sometimes, stuffs happened so you can learn something from it, you know. You learn from the mistake and grow up. Take better choices and move on with your life. Even though I chose to camp in my sleeping bag, but still this world has so much to learn about. What I'm saying is, to future me if you read this, you're never mature and wise enough for this world. There's just so many things for you to take and learn. And that's why being humble is always a better choice.

It's kind of rambling and got no point, but I got some points there.
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