// e t e r n i t y //
Friday, January 27, 2017 @ 10:54 PM
Some people find their passion at 5, some people find who they really are at 17. But at 17, I'm still searching for myself. I thought I wanted to be a doctor, to help people in need, and I thought I was good at trying to tell myself I wanted to be a doctor. I'm not and I don't want to. The more I know how hard it is to be a doctor and the little-to-no sleep they get, the consequences it takes to become one, I don't think I want that. I want to help people, seeing them smiling at you after what you've done to them really warms your heart, but I just suddenly knew to be a doctor wasn't my passion. It turns out I am good at planning money, I just realised it this past few months, as I was planning my money. I came from a small family with limited source income but I want to travel the world, study abroad, living outside of my little world now. And I guess that makes me sort of good at planning money and I love it. Turns out accountant is not as bad as I thought and it probably
suits me, we'll see that later. Thing is, I really want to have so much time with my future kids. I want to see them grow, I want to see the boys on a robotic league, send my girls to some ballerina contest, I want to grow with them. And I know I wouldn't have that much time if I become a doctor. At least, I thought accountant has more free time. I want to bake cake and cookies on my free time, cook breakfast and dinner for my family. I want to be a great mother, that's another passion of mine.

But right now, I just want to be alone. I want to learn more about me, stuff I never realised about me before. Like, today I just found out that I really want my future boys to build an awesome robot, I want them to be so good at it and have a special room for it. It just striked to me as I watched my little cousins learn to build one with my uncle.

I know the future is still far away for me to have my own family, and I have to admit that I'm scared to know who is my future husband. How many kids we will have or do we live in Germany or Australia or any other countries that I never think about. I want to be a mistery and let life figure that out for me, but sometimes I want to cheat and look just a little bit. If that's possible.

If you know the show how i met your mother, I'd be a mix of Lily and Robin. I want to travel the world, drive down the autobahn in my sexy car, alone at midnight enjoying the view of the sky, rent a small villa up on the mountain and see the world under me. But I also want to have a family, find my true love and have the time of my life with him every bits of our life. I want to be a part of someone else's life and actually be the one they think about everytime they see the night sky and wish I was there with them or every people they meet they wish they're with me instead. And I'll be on the autobahn, driving past the speed limit because there is no speed limit, on my way to France. Kidding. But, yeah, I am a hopeless romantic. The girl who will camp in her sleeping bag, on the corner of France street.

Sometimes, stuffs happened so you can learn something from it, you know. You learn from the mistake and grow up. Take better choices and move on with your life. Even though I chose to camp in my sleeping bag, but still this world has so much to learn about. What I'm saying is, to future me if you read this, you're never mature and wise enough for this world. There's just so many things for you to take and learn. And that's why being humble is always a better choice.

It's kind of rambling and got no point, but I got some points there.
Monday, December 19, 2016 @ 2:19 AM
i know you're wondering why i seem so distant and cold nowadays, like i don't care about you anymore.
with text messages shorter than before, with replies taking longer than ever. 
i know you're confused.
but if you ask me if i still love you, i'll be honest that i do.
i can't quite get you out of my head, as if i only live to be with you, i hope.
but when it strucked me hard, i know this is all dead wrong.
she doesn't deserves this and i wouldn't want this to happen to me either.
i remembered when you said you couldn't love two people at the same time, but now you do.
but do you?
there are days where i just question everything you said, do you really love me?
love blinds me enough to pushed me away from sanity and i crawl all over the place to take every crumbles of love you drop.
it wasn't my intention to hurt her in the first place, but the more i fall in love with you, the more that i seem to do.
this is what i'm scared of, eventhough you made me found myself, but there's still these chunks of me i haven't found yet.
and now that i found it, i have to let you go.
don't think that i'm not hurt with this because i do, it does hurt to let you go again for many times.
but i survived those times, why can't i this time?
if this is fairytale, i hope you'd take my hand and said everything is alright.
that you'd never let me go again after all of this.
that you loved me and couldn't get enough of me. 
that you'd do everything just to be with me.
but this is not fairytale, this is the cold harsh reality that i have to accept.
what can i say, i understand if you still love her.
maybe that's why you never break things apart.
i understand, i was the one who was stupid enough to let you go anyway.
it's all on me and i want to be mature enough to accept things and move on with my life.
because i made mistakes and that is okay.
but one thing for sure, i'll keep my promise to never let you go, from my heart anyway.
and i'll still be here when it's over, when we can love on the clean slate pavement.
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